Wayward Thoughts...

So, I've had something weighing rather heavy on my mind lately after someone made a comment to me....so let me come clean:

When I wake up, my legs involuntarily tremble violently. So much so that it's a chore to walk. I force myself onto my feet because the convulsions are caused by faulty "electrical wiring" and reflexes. That's a better picture -- it's not so much trembling as bouncing or "thumping" (as it's affectionately called in my house)

So, I slide over the side of my bed onto my feet. Left leg first...even though I sleep on the right side of the bed. Why? Because my right leg has been numb for 7 months. My right foot might as well not even exist anymore -- I stopped being able to feel it at all over a year ago.

I shuffle to the bathroom, because bending my right knee tends to send a jolt of pins and needle through the entire leg up into my spine.......and while I'll eventually start doing this for the rest of the day -- first thing after I wake up I'm not ready to start that inquisition.

My eyes haven't focused. I try to make them, every morning, but they never do, nor will they. The vision I had as a youngster will never return to me.

If I took my shot last night, my head is screaming. I'm dizzy from the pounding and the fact that my right leg and foot are completely gimp are not helping. It's less of a shuffle and more of a stagger at this point.

Let's fast-forward to the commute:

Remember that dead foot? Boy, it sure is a nifty thing to learn how to drive with a foot that you can't even FEEL when trying to determine the appropriate amount of pressure to put on the pedals. Remember that whole vision thing?? Well, turns out that seeing distances is fine.....it's the peripheral vision being completely absent anymore that makes it seem like things aren't coming into focus. I guess I'll get in the right lane and putz along. Safe enough, and actually my preferred method of driving, so that's no big change anyhow...God help me if I have to get into the left lane though, I have to turn my entire head (not safe) to change lanes.

By the time I get to work, I feel like I've been awake for 12 hours. My energy is entirely sapped. NOT TIRED -- mind you -- weak and fatigued, rather. Standing, sitting, walking...it's all becoming more and more of a chore. I sometimes get the crazy notion that I'll ration what little physical energy I have left -- but my office can't tolerate that. Things need to be done. Manual labor is expected.

So here I am, standing before you: Numb leg, half blind, dead foot, tired as hell, head pounding and spinning, having to force thoughts to connect sometimes, and having an injection to look forward to tonight or tomorrow. What do you see?

FUCKING NONE OF IT.

Don't tell me I'm not handicapped. I don't "look sick" or "act disabled" because I'm stronger than you have the respect in you to give me credit for.

Multiple Sclerosis is different for every person. I am no better nor worse than my brothers and sisters who have it. I am different and I'm a different person. The way everyone handles something terrible is different.

Make no mistake. I am sick and I feel like crap. ALWAYS. But you will never know...because I'll be damned if anyone is going to remember me that way.

Please be respectful.