At a Crossroad

I guess I've acted mostly neutral about the situation. It seems like that's what everyone else wanted. I was mad about it at first, but that never took away how sad it makes me. Jimmi IV is officially going to be moving to Maryland on August 1st.

I struggled with the concept of not having him in my life anymore. I thought about ways that I could still keep myself semi-active in his. I thought about ways I could try to salvage my relationship with him. Everyone had an opinion on the matter. It was easy to displace the blame that should be solely on his mother onto him. At first, it was easier on me to focus on the things he supposedly said to the CPS worker and be mad........but logic and reason overtook me. At some point I realized that what was said (or not said) probably wasn't really what a 10 year old meant to say. Especially Jimmi.....

I haven't talked to him since February. I remember the last time I saw him. We went to Stater Bros. that morning to get him something for lunch. I walked with my arm around him the entire time. We laughed and joked and then listened to The Morning Stream on the way to school. It was the most unsuspecting, heartbreaking thing to find out he had said what he had said to CPS.

What makes me even more sad about it is the timing. I documented several things with Jimmi. (Don't let anyone fool you into thinking the California Courts give two shits about that stuff, they do NOT...especially if the other derptard has a lawyer and you don't...) and I had specifically written about a day when he was crying because his mother supposedly told him he had to say bad things about my house in therapy (with her own handpicked therapist). Conveniently, the report was made to CPS from his therapist a few days prior to that entry. This was consistent with the fact that it had happened during the weekend she had him. All of the timing was perfect.

I wasn't willing to continue the battle. It's not worth fighting with his mom. She lies to get her way. She lied to my family to get out of her parent's house. She's lying to everyone to get back into it....and her parents are aware of her lies. I'm sad about that. I'm sad that her dad will never know (or care) about the horrible things she said about him. I'm sad that her mom can live with (but not surprised, she's equally as deceitful) the fact that some of the things that were said about her were said. One thing to Jamie's credit, she obviously kept her lies about them to a small group, that way...they were controlled and once her ties to us were cut, the lies no longer existed.

Anyways..the point of that was that I'm sure she's lying to Jimmi too. That makes me sad. He should know that I love him and that this was what I considered to be the most appropriate decision....he never will....and that wouldn't make it any easier on me.

So, let's recount how the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012 affected me...because the emotional side of me is not over ANY of it.

1. The wonderful relationship between my family and my parents was severely damaged. Damaged to the point that we all hardly talk and I don't even remember the last time they saw their grand-daughter. (At least THAT situation will heal itself in time)

2. My dog. My precious dog died in December. That doesn't seem like a big deal..but I was VERY close with my dog. We had her since 1998. I grew up with that dog. That dog was there the first time I kissed Tia Clark, through my next two serious relationships, through my time in the army, through the rise and fall of my relationship with Jamie, and through my marriage to Paola and the growth of our family (Heidi). Ya, Sandra going was hard on me....and not a day goes by where I don't think about her and miss her. In my less sober moments, I sometimes look to where her bed was next to the TV before I remember what's happened....ya...that crap is sad...I'm getting a little emotional just writing about it.

3. Jimmi is gone. (See the prelude to this list)

Basically, things haven't been so spiffy. I wasn't emotionally sound. I acted like it, but no part of me ever felt whole.............until I went to Florida. My grandfather gave me plenty of sage advice, but the comment that may have turned things for me didn't come during one of these moments.

He said, (something to the effect of) "You have a decision to make every morning when you wake up. I'm going to have a good day or I'm going to have a crappy day..."

It's true. We're not around long enough to constantly be miserable. The people around me are good people. My wife is a wonderful (WONDERFUL) lady. My daughter is one of the best things to ever happen to me....I have no control over what everyone else is doing. I can't make Jamie stop trying to torture us. I can't make Jimmi come back. The people I work with are still going to do 100 retarded things to their computers a day. My employer isn't going to pay me what I'm worth.

I'm going to look down at this crossroad and walk on the side of the road that makes me happy.